Monday, May 22, 2006

Catholics...Get Over It!

What’s all this noise about The Da Vinci Code? Wow, no one made a big deal about Independence Day when it was released, even though it had to do with Area 51 and the end of the world as we know it. No one made a big fuss over National Treasure either, even though it’s exactly the SAME FREAKING MOVIE only with the bible instead of the Constitution! How about Tomb Raider, didn’t we already see this movie like 20 times?

What is this movie? Okay, from what I understand, it’s a couple of guys going on an Indiana Jones adventure to find the Ark, or the Grail, or some godforsaken artifact that’s just really important to have. Hey, maybe it’ll give immortal life and we can sell it at retail value!

What Da Vinci Code and a bunch of other predecessors and spawned writings claim is that the Holy Grail is actually the bloodline of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene… Jesus’ wife. Wait…I know that religion! Polygamy!...I mean Mormonism! Oh I don’t know what I mean. I’m just kidding.

I haven’t read the book, but I did see the piece that Discovery Channel did on it. It’s actually all very plausible and I half believe it. I can believe that Jesus was a human being with a wife and children, after all it’s been proven that he had brothers and sisters, but what I don’t buy is all this “Holy Grail” mess.

The mess was supposedly about a cup. For centuries, people have been searching for a cup which honestly IMO disintegrated around 2000 years ago with the rest of the Tupperware at Jesus’ friend’s place where he had The Last Supper (they probably used it the next morning at breakfast, sheesh what do you think happened to it?).

Anyway, it was brought to the attention that “The Grail” might not be a cup, but a bloodline, a secret bloodline of Jesus entrusted to an organization of Knights to protect. Dude, Jesus had ninjas (ironically ninjas existed around the same time as Christ lol)!

A secret society called the Priory of Sion was supposed to protect the bloodline. A real organization? Right, that’s why the founder admitted to the staging of the TV interview and the administration of a hoax. All of these hoaxes have driven people insane running around the world drilling holes in ancient churches and ruining the really pretty floors to find a cup which disintegrated around the time that the Great Wall of China was built. I have an idea! If I wanted to hide the Holy Grail, I’d hide it in the most unlikely place…a Buddhist Temple. Or, if the Grail really does exist, we all know its buried deep within the impenetrable vaults of the Vatican where no outside eyes have ever set foot so that no one can prove that God doesn’t exist.

Jesus was not God. His real name wasn’t even “Jesus,” it was Joshua. If there is a bloodline, the descendants don’t have super powers, aren’t part of some secret holy clan, probably did not do anything worth while to change the world unless by some chance and were probably even wiped out in the Holocaust seeing as the bloodline was most likely Jewish, and I'm willing to bet money that at least someone in Jesus' extended family was gay. Anyone want to bid that Jesus was autistic (like most of the brilliant minds)? The Last Supper painting may or may not have Mary Magdalene sitting next to Jesus as opposed to St. Peter, the figure does look awfully feminine. Then again, so does Leonardo Da Vinci’s individual painting of St. Peter’s face because supposedly that was where Da Vinci’s interest lay (??). I’m pretty convinced myself that it is a girl, but you know, I really don’t care. It’s a beautiful painting and if it really was Mary Magdalene, then the only people it would really affect are feminist groups.

Basically, according to The Discovery Channel, the whole deal of a cup at The Last Supper being saved was was invented by some writer of the romantic era mid 15th century and later messed up by another author mid 17th centruy who mispelled "San Greal," meaning Holy Grail, as "Sang Real," meaning Holy Blood. Dammit Spellcheck!

Not to mention that the author stole the idea anyway. He’s being sued big time by four other authors whom he stole ideas from. My sister is going through a whole ordeal where someone stole her idea, why am I going to go support the author when he wasn’t even the author? I can spend my money better, he ain’t getting my $10.50.

Even though I really like Tom Hanks, I’ve already seen this movie so many other times. My recommendation, don’t see this movie, not because you’re a “good catholic,” but because it’s STUPID! A remake of Tomb Raider and Indiana Jones, and probably not even a good thriller. Go see Mission Impossible 3, that movie was awesome!!!!

4 Comments:

Blogger Babs said...

Your best line to date is at the end... because it's stupid! Classic.

10:22 AM  
Blogger Nikki_Jilton said...

I'm just pissed that no one made a big deal about the other movies, but all of the sudden when they talk about religion its like "OMG Damnation! Doom on you!!!" like you insulted them personally. Why do people take religion so personally?

If only the world was Buddhist I guess ;)

12:20 PM  
Blogger Babs said...

I agree... it's only a movie.

2:09 PM  
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