Monday, July 24, 2006

For Those of You Guys Who Have Lost A BGF (best girl friend)...

…Here’s a bit of girl code for you.

I’m going to dispel a common myth about girls. If the goddesses of femininity strike me dead then so be it because girls can’t keep secrets (but that’s not the myth I’m dispelling).

When you and your BGF are not speaking, usually it’s not for the reasons you think it is. If she was the one that stopped speaking to you first, then yeah it probably is for the reason’s you think it is, but if you’re the one that initiated it, then you probably have it all wrong, and vise versa.

First let me start off by describing the few types of girls. The most widely publicized type of girl is the “popular girl,” the girl who has great self-esteem and carries herself with an air of confidence, with a radiant smile that attracts many friends. This type of girl is associated with bitchiness and sometimes has a tendency to be stuck up and controlling, so it is assumed that if you make one mistake with these girls they kick you out of their lives and never speak to you again and hold their head above you and avert their gaze from you to shame.

Well I have news for all you guys…THESE GIRLS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN! I mean, c’mon have some common sense. NO GIRL before the age of 30 has “great self-esteem,” in fact no girl before the age of 20 has ANY self-esteem for that matter. Self-esteem is forbidden for girls, it makes them look like “bitches” who are stuck up and spoiled. The slightest bit of self esteem for the girl in pursuit of popularity makes them seem like they think they are better than the majority, and then the majority won’t hang around them because they are so obviously not.

The typical girl (who has any sort of intellegence) is one who is sorta shy, subconscious of a few things about herself, helps people out when they need it but this depends on the girl, has had an eating disorder at one point in her life, is (believe it or not) nice, is unbelievably insecure around her “friends,” and always assumes she is wrong before assuming she is right. It doesn’t really matter what type of girl it is, punk or preppy, girly or tom-boy, this general model is pretty universal.

Now if you are lucky enough to have a tendency to attract the mean, stupid, bitchy types of females, you're probably focused on the wrong qualities. I'm saying that most girls with ambitions in life, who have goals and inteligent plans, usually follow the above model of personality. Seek out females with dreams who say things like "I want to write for National Geographic," or "I want to design clothes for Calvin Klein," or "I want to own my own business" and are actually working toward these goals. Those types of girls I've noticed tend to be more logical and understanding of the world and of you.

Let’s talk about assuming error very quickly. Ever notice how when girls think they are right about something, there is no doubt in their mind that they are right? This is because they’ve already been down the “what if I’m wrong,” train of thought. The first thing they do, when it’s not a snap-decision confrontation and if they value the friendship, is damage control. “What did I do wrong?” as opposed to “what can I do to fix it?” (that is how guys deal with things). They think the situation through and if they come to the conclusion that they were really wrong, they’ll call you back and cry and apologize. BUT if they come to the conclusion that YOU were wrong, you’re pretty fucked. Ironically the most important factor in this decision making process is incidentally the girl’s decision making skills and logic…if the girl’s logic is flawed (which it often is when thinking in terms of friends of the opposite gender), that’s your problem not hers.

So the original point, when you and a female friend are not speaking, what sort of messages do you think you are sending to each other? To be honest it doesn’t really matter that you’ve known each other your entire lives (although it sure helps), you really have no idea what is going on inside her head, and she—despite all her logic and intelligence—is only guessing at what is going on in yours.

So you guys got into a fight, let’s just say you were both wrong, and deep down you know you were both wrong…however you were both right and justified in being angry at the other person. Sticky situation, sound familiar? I’m sure many have been between this rock and a hard place before. What it was about doesn’t really matter, all that matters is that is severely damaged the friendship, and you two aren’t exactly speaking.

I am now going to dispel the myth of the angry girl because it is causing me so much heartache. Girls hold grudges, this is true, but girls also love openly and endlessly. They are going to love you 100 times more as a friend than you, as a stereotypical masculine model of a male, are going to be able to love her as a friend without developing feelings for her. Girls can do this, it’s a social skill. So even if they are so mad at you that they just want to kill you, believe it or not, they still love you and they would still jump into a fight for you or stick up for you.

The psychology behind a girl’s reluctance to speak to you is actually very much tied into her self esteem. If she is a person who has had all the support in the world throughout her life and has had a good childhood with her share of bad times, then she might handle the situation pretty well and less emotionally. However, like I have pointed out, most girls have been hurt beyond measure throughout their lives and have at least one horror story that shapes who they become as people.

It's out of Pride that guys will refrain from speaking to you. Ego and machoism will be the reasons that guy’s stop speaking and leave it that way, but these things don’t exist with girls. Ego and pride imply self-esteem, which is just lower than most guys even if it’s high, and not to mention most girls think ego and pride are stupid reasons to ruin a friendship. They don’t place as much emphasis on it as guys do. When girls stop speaking, believe it or not it’s because they think YOU don’t want to talk to them.

Yes, I’m being completely honest, the emotional “he hurt me so I don’t want to talk to him” lasts a week or two tops, after that, the only reason she is not speaking to you is because you are not speaking to her. In fact, a lot of times it actually hurts her that she is not speaking to you, and the more you ignore her, the farther away she will take herself from you, even if all she wants is to be close to you.

I know it seems like she doesn’t care, and that she is still mad and she might even act like it or say so if you do try to confront her. But please, believe me its all skin deep, and under the surface of her easily scarred intuition, she still loves you more than she loves herself. C’mon guys, its not worth the complacency and confusion to let things lie in the ground. Whatever happened between you two happened a million years ago and a million miles away, and now all that’s there is the lack of her dumb jokes and cocky demeanor, which you know you really miss even though it got annoying at times. She’s not mean enough to have wanted to hurt you on purpose; she just doesn’t have it in her.

Accept that she never meant to hurt you and would never do it on purpose and FREAKING GO SAY HI TO HER DAMMIT!


Blogger Babs said...

Great article...

5:47 PM  
Blogger Nikki_Jilton said...

Now if only the rest of the men in the world read it...

3:07 AM  
Blogger onfoyou said...

Your are Excellent. And so is your site! Keep up the good work. Bookmarked.

2:00 AM  

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