Friday, April 17, 2009

How to Get a Girl

Tip 1: Stand up to her older brother

My little brother punks on all of my little sister's friends constantly. These poor guys who tread the loser path instead of waltzing down popularity lane have to put up with my superjock bro who intimidates the heck out of them intentionally. I see how he does it. He stands right next to them looking very alpha-male and just nonchalantly says "sup," but that's all he says to them, then he does the usual brother routine with my sister and starts punking her around in front of her guy friends. Brothers do this to sisters, they're intentionally annoying. So he cracks on her hair, her freckles, her grades, her glasses, her braces etc. all in front of her guy friends, and then just goes and stands next to them while they shrivel up like kicked puppies.

Now I’m the oldest of the family, if I feel like it, I go stand next to my little brother standing next to my little sisters friends and say “sup,” and he smiles like a little kitten and walks away. I love the power that comes with being the oldest and the strongest, it gives me the power to laugh hysterically at bullies, mostly that’s what I do though when it comes to my siblings, sit back and watch the entertainment. I will admit that my little brother’s behavior borders on the slightly ass-hole, so when my sister’s friends leave, I ask him about it. Here’s what he said.

“If he would have stood up to me, I would have just been cool with it and given him a hi-five, at least he’s got some nuts, but they all just shut up like little bitches.”

Oh, I see. My little brother’s boyish antics towards other boys are primitive pecking order rituals, 15 year old boys test other 15 year old boys’ strength, which is measured not in physical prowess, but in wit. I’ve noticed the guys that my brother hangs out with are just as witty, they trade insults with each other, and they can keep up with each other. Apparently status is measured by how good you can spar with half-hearted insults, spar, mind you, not fight.

But through all this, my little sister is enduring emotional turmoil, having her self-esteem tramples on in the midst of my brother’s pecking order ritual, seeing as she’s the object of ridicule. Her hair is getting pointed out, which she spends hours doing to avoid such ridicule, her freckles are being analyzed, which she uses gobs of unhealthy chemicals to cover up, everything about her is being pointed out and laughed at, and she doesn’t care about the boy-things going on between the lines, all she knows is that she’s getting picked on. That sucks.

So given what I know from watching and listening to both my little brother and my little sister’s point of view, if I were one of her little friends, I’d stand up to my older brother. Seriously. Say “hey, don’t talk to her like that!” and be firm about it.

My little bro is of course going to stand up tall like an over-exaggerated alpha dog and go “or else what?” or “do something.” Classic GQ bully wannabe stuff. Just ignore him!

“You shouldn’t be talking to her like that!” just repeat it over and over again. “She’s none of those things you say she is. She’s nice, smart, beautiful and funny and she’s everything you’re not. You’re an asshole for treating her like that.”

Observe: You didn’t get dragged into an insult sparring match with my bro, or goaded into something that could end in physical violence which my bro would obviously win (unless you’ve got some secret ninja tricks hidden up your sleeve for dealing with bullies), you stood up to him showing your “nuts” and at the same time complimented my little sister. You exhibited two things that are attractive to women, confidence and strength.

At this point, after you’ve said the above, my little brother, being the clown he is, would have backed down, given you a hi-five and never bothered you again. Unfortunately, he still would have cracked on my sister, just not as hard because the game would be over, and you would have won. You’d have won much more than just respect, you’d have caught the eye of a very attractive popular girl (girls fantasize about guys who stick up for them).

Now, let’s say if the scenario had been some other less intelligent guy than my little brother who really was punking around a girl because that’s the only way he knows how to communicate. Standing up to dumb bullies is an insult to their pride, which may very well end in physical violence no matter which way you spin it. It all comes down to how much you’re willing to endure for the heart of a girl or for your morals in general. `If you stand up to a dumb bully, you might get your ass kicked, but here’s the real kicker. If you get your ass kicked standing up for a girl, you’ll win the heart and the sympathy of said girl. She’ll gush all over you because you got hurt and because you stood up for her. Give it your all of course, fight like a wild dog and at least try to look like you got at least one good shot in, but how much of a slap in the face would it be for the dumb bully to know that you’re dating his sister or you have a girlfriend and he doesn’t. You win.

So, in conclusion, confidence is the key to success. Endure a little scrutiny and stand up for your beliefs and you will be swimming in female fondness.