Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Let Prince Harry Bloody Fight

LONDON - He's a freckle-faced royal rascal who has led a life of privilege. But Britain's Prince Harry is also an army officer — and he could soon be heading to Iraq to face the realities of combat.

Well, looks like Prince Harry is going off to bloody Iraq (not that Iraq isn’t bloody, but bloody is what the Brits say instead of “fucking” like us Yanks).

Prince Harry got his royal arse through Sandhurst Military Academy last year and is now a second lieutenant in the Blues and Royals regiment of the Household Cavalry (I think that means he’s a Cavalry Scout…they ride the Bradley’s.)

But Royal Officials are apparently having a field day about the “security headache” the presence of a member of the Royal Family would be.

Okay, well if Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio joined the Army and were going to war, would we make the same fuss? The Royal Family is really nothing more today than a bunch of celebrities and they don’t have that much power in government at all. It's not like it would be SUCH a security risk like they captured the Prime Minister or the President of the United States. "The presence of a member of the Royal Family could increase the risk for his comrades." Well no shit we're actually getting shot at over there, what kind of a war are we fighting if our strategy for the entire campaign is "hopefully we'll get lucky and they won't shoot at us."

The arguments they’re making about Harry are the same arguments they’re making about women and Jews in Iraq. “Oh it will make them more vulnerable to attack.” Well what are you going to do, go hide in a hole? You’re going to get shot at, so maybe if the Coalition Command would give our troops permission to shoot back unlike they’ve been doing (“Winning Their Hearts and Minds”), we might actually be able to fight something that resembles a war!

For bloody sakes let the kid do his job.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Football is LAME!!

I mean seriously, why “football?” When exactly in football do you even use your feet? Your feet don’t come in contact with that sorry excuse for a ball shaped like a lemon at anytime! Unless of course you are the kicker, in which case you are the WEAKEST guy on the team!

I remember we always used to make fun of our kickers on football. Firstly they weren’t even football players, they were the varsity soccer players! Go figure.

And as for soccer, a sport that is the only sport played in absolutely every country by everybody, we insult it by jacking its name and calling it “soccer.” We give the prestigious name of “football” to our own silly version of Pop-Warner Rugby with pads. Man, Rugby players eat “football” players for breakfast!

I guess the football/soccer thing is like the whole Iceland/Greenland thing, trick by the Vikings. Darn those Vikings!

Well all I know is that I hate football, and I played football! Believe me, its not a tough sport. Most of practice you’re just standing around in the sun like an idiot, and when you are getting in for plays, you’re running around in circles for about 5 whole seconds and then lining up and doing it all over again (it gets you dizzy).

Not to mention you see so much dick when you play football! It’s nasty. Guys will lift up the bottom of their shorts and take a leak right there on the sidelines, the girls locker-room is shut for the summer so you’re changing with the guys…btw the boys locker room smells like penis, which smells like ham and sweat, and I know this because it only smelled that way when all the guys were naked (and no its not as great of an opportunity as you girls might think).

But really most of the time the guys were in their boxers and I made friends in my bra and panties which sounds ridiculously sexual but ironically wasn’t.

Football is also a boring sport. The entire climax of excitement comes when one guy runs it in for a touchdown from all the way across the field, and it has to be from all the way across the field or else its just another point and you’re just getting up and cheering because everyone else is!

I’ll give football some props: you lift hard, you work hard, you hit hard, and you party hard, but football is not hard!

But watching football is hard! I remember our cross-town rival game, I couldn’t sit through the whole thing, after the 1st quarter it got boring and repetitive…no make that the first down!

I’ll be honest, I watch the Superbowl for the Half-time show! Who the hell is Payton Manning, why is he so ugly, and what kind of name is Payton!? Oh gosh the worse name I have ever heard in my life is an NFL player named Dick Butgus (sound it out), I mean I swear these guys got so tough from being picked on in grade school! Poor guys.

Well, I was rooting for the Bears because my little bro was rooting for the Colts, and he nearly cried at the kickoff, and I was LMAO!!!

Gosh, maybe the reason we get into so many wars is because our favorite game is a war game! Football, Yuk!