Dos Años de Español en la Escuela, y No Entiendo Nada!

President Bush is apparently on the verge of approving the measure to allow illegal aliens to mooch off of...I mean work and eventually receive citizenship in this country.

One of my friends, Mike, is a whitexican…I mean third generation Mexican-American (the dude can’t even speak Spanish). Obviously born and raised north of the border, Mike has no accent, no tan, and likes basketball as opposed to fútbol. During the World Cup, he’s more likely to root for Brazil than for Mexico (three cheers for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu). You can’t make the La Migra jokes with him, it just doesn’t work. But even though Mike is as American as they come, I’ll bet he’d still get a little upset if I described Mexicans as “chollos and strawberry pickers who hop the border to get on welfare.”

Mike describes the Mexican culture as “hard-working, religious, moral, and placing a great value on family and education.” Well, honestly I have to agree with him. My Hispanic friend Jesse signs the cross every time he walks out of his house! Show a pic of a naked girl to a Mexican: “Aye Dios Mio Santa Maria me pregunta!” and they get down on their knees and start praying! Don’t take a Mexican drinking, they sing God’s praise in Spanish like the National Anthem! The most common phrase in that scratch music they insist on listening to on their paint-flecked radios that look like they've been pulled out of a dumpster: “Es mi vida de me Corazon aye por Dioooos!” ( I should probably note that I have no idea what I’m saying). Honestly, Mexicans are worse than Muslims when it comes to prayer and family. Aye Mamamía! They seem to have a very serious culture with lots of love in it; the kind of idealistic culture that we humanitarians strive for. So why is it then that the Mexican culture in America is so problematic?

Mexico is not a poor country, it’s the fifth largest economy in the world (“made in Mexico” ring a bell). With its beautiful countryside and resort-quality beaches, it is a magnet for tourism from all corners of the earth. Border towns like Tijuana, with a legal drinking age of 18, are party-cities for anyone with some dinero and street smarts. The University of Mexico is also a top-rated accredited college, one of the best in the world. The culture is rich and colorful, filled with lots of love and general friendliness. It’s a culture of celebration and open arms. In today’s American society of Capitalism and every-man-for-himself mentalities, a little love would benefit us all, don’t you think?

Why isn’t it though?

Well for one, most of the immigrants coming over from third-world countries are the poverty-stricken and the very poor. It appears that the poorer the civilization, the less education it has, and the more gravitation there is toward crime and desperate measures. But if Mexico is such a beautiful country with so many means to invest in feeding its people, why do they still have nothing?

This can be said about many countries in which the majority of the population is poor. Albania for example: Albanians are to Greeks as Mexicans are to Americans (they hop the border into Greece or cross the Adriatic to Italy, we’re leeches). They are very family oriented, very religious, and very morally-guided. Same old story. Albania has beaches to rival Hawaii and the land is mostly undeveloped. The culture is welcoming, warm, everyone is family. Its also one of the most war-torn hotspots in the world. Only a crazy person goes into Albania unarmed. Even Iraq! Have any of you actually seen Iraq! I looked at it in a travel book written before the war and am now so mad at my soldier friend who is over there and is not sending me any post cards!


The ancient city of Babylon was in Iraq! An oil rich country sitting on masses of wealth and yet its people are war-torn and starving? What’s going on?

A big problem with these countries, ironically, is their culture itself. Think about it, if mankind has been around for a million years, why did it take us until the last 100 years to invent the light bulb? True, these traditional cultures are very moral, religious, and family oriented, more of what we need in America right? The flip side is that these things hold you down, and only when we started breaking away from our beloved parents and dogmatic teachings did we really start to explore how far we could really go. Jesus was a rebel! Whole countries like Albania, with lots of natural resources and tourist opportunites, are ruined by the gossib of old ladies. I really don't think Ben Franklin was the first person to discover electricity, he was just the first one lucky enough to be in a place where he wouldn't be burned at the stake for announcing that he could command the power of thunder! Doom!

Aside from obvious attitude problems, I think the main problem with countries like Mexico and Iraq and Albania is their governments. Mexico, for one, has no middle-class. The people are either very poor or very wealthy. That means that if the scales are tipped evenly (which they are not), at least 50% of Mexico is poor. Why is this? Probably because the people in power in these countries like it like that. So the ultimate underlying cause is corruption in government. After seeing what happened in Iraq with their Nazi dictatorship under Saddam Hussein, I don’t know how to disagree.

This is why we can’t pull out of Iraq. Every country in the world affects each other now, every country feels the repercussions of another countries’ problems in some way. If we pull out of Iraq now before everything is all set up and the mission is complete, extremists are just going to go in and take it over again and gain another foothold and destroy another Trade Center. Somehow, the problems of Iraq are going to haunt the United States and the rest of the world unless we finish the job. Unfortunately, some countries don’t really care about the affects they have on their neighboring countries. I wonder how many troops Mexico has in Iraq?

So corruption in governments that don’t care about their neighbors constitutes a strain on our economy. Mexico’s unwillingness to solve its own problems seems to me like a middle finger to the USA. Now Mexico’s problems are hopping the border into our country and dragging us down and Mexico is kicking back. Even if countries like Mexico don’t have money to support their people, they still have rights don’t they? Mexico’s constitution is almost identical to that of America’s. So why are its citizens coming to this country and demonstrating for rights over here when they don’t even legally have the right to demonstrate, why aren’t they demonstrating in their own country so they can fix their problems in their own country, which they have stated over and over again that they love so much?

This is the solution. Immigrants need to demonstrate in their own countries to fix their problems or else they will never be solved and the people will continue to suffer. People of their countries need to stand up for themselves and overcome corruption in their own countries for the sake of their heritage the way it was meant to be. Evil is possible only when good people do nothing. A civil rights movement should be brewing in Mexico to stop the corruption, but illegals, go do it over there in your country, not over here in ours! You have power, use it to change things! And in places like Iran and the middle east, if your country does not allow change, rise up! Fight for your rights and what you want for your family and your culture. But the burden cannot be placed on the United States to continually fight your battles for you.

On a final note in defense of Albanians, this recovering country has 70 of its best commandos in Iraq and is sending more to replace Spain’s pullout. They have vowed to stay until the job is done. The irony of this country is that its Northern borders are breeding grounds for the mujahadeen. So to all countries attempting to clean themselves up while still managing to help the greater cause, the people of the United States thank and salute you.

As for Mexico, thanks for the cheap labor. We’re going to milk your problems for all they’re worth. @$$3Z!